Let me tell you a story…
I was working at a cafe when this handsome, charming fellow LITERALLY asked me what my zodiac sign was. He had been sitting at an adjacent table with a friend of his, and I had overheard bits of their conversation, which included some funny threads about how zodiac signs related to something else (that I can’t remember). And then he just leaned his attention in my direction, as if to include me in their conversation, and asked me what my sign was.
His energy was so lighthearted, playful, warm, and infectious, that I couldn’t help but brighten in return and say something like, “Oh, I’m a double virgo with a scorpio moon - kind of an acquired taste, I imagine” (face palm).
And with something as simple as that, the invisible gate was opened. He had established a super-basic, no-pressure, ultra-low-stakes connection with me, which made it easy for us to keep chatting. I’m sure it was more or less obvious that I was open to connecting in how I returned his warmth, playfulness, and engagement - so a little while later, he invited me on a date. For that evening. And we had a great time.
So many of us really want to have more love and connection in our lives, but we walk around the public spaces of our everyday world with a thick bubble of “don’t talk to me” around our bodies. This means we are missing opportunities for connection - and yes, romance - every single day.
So, learning how to engage strangers (of all kinds - not just the ones you’re attracted to) is the #1 most frequent piece of advice that I give to my clients who want to find a new relationship. If it seems scary, start by talking to someone you’re NOT attracted to. And if that’s still too scary, then just smile. Or hold eye contact for just a second longer than you’re comfortable with. And see what happens.
But… how? Read on.
Of course the charming fellow in the cafe wasn’t “just” nonchalantly including his neighbor in a curious conversation about zodiac signs… he was attracted to me and he was interested in connecting with me. But you can’t open the invisible gate with something like, “Wow, you are super hot and I’d like to take you home with me.” That’s crazy - and it’s not even true if you think about it. The reality is that all you have is a slight hint of interest in them, a hint that could dissolve the moment they open their mouth. So you want to open the invisible gate in a way that’s super-basic, no-pressure, and ultra-low-stakes both for YOUR sake as well as theirs (pro-tip: take the pressure off by speaking to them at first by pretending that they are either your best friend’s girlfriend/boyfriend or your cousin).
One thing I find that stops people from speaking to attractive strangers is the fear that if they belie any hint of attraction, they will offend or repel (or worse, terrify) the person they’re trying to speak to (and/or embarrass the s*** out of themselves). But what I’m saying here is that even if you FEEL attraction you don’t LEAD with attraction when all you’re doing is opening the gate. And you remember that just talking to someone who happens to be in the same public space as you is really NOT A BIG DEAL (and fellas, even in the me-too era, it really is okay to initiate these low-key conversations with us women). But maybe you have different fears, so ask yourself: what stops YOU from talking to attractive strangers in public?
But how does one actually open the invisible gate? What the charming fellow in the cafe did was pretty brilliant: notice something happening in the space you’re both sharing, and find a way to connect over that. Maybe you’re standing in line at a cafe and the person at the register has sixteen different specifications about their latte. If there’s an attractive someone standing next to you, also witnessing this comic event, then find a discrete way to make a light-hearted, warm, and funny comment about what you’re both witnessing.
(Humor really is the key. And if you’re not terribly quick witted [like me], then PRACTICE in the privacy of your own head before you try it out on real humans. Make a habit of asking yourself, “What *could* be funny about this situation? How *could* I poke fun at what’s happening right now?” If you start stretching your brain in that direction, you’ll develop the capacity to generate entertaining quips at will.)
Or if you’re at a book store in your favorite section and someone interesting is also there reading the back of a book, then use your genuine interest in the subject matter to open the gate by asking them what they’re discovering about that particular book.
If someone is wearing an Elizabeth Warren shirt and you like Elizabeth Warren, ask an intelligent question about one of her policies. If you don’t know anything about her policies, then ask them what part of her platform they resonate with the most.
Or notice something about them. If they’re wearing hiking shoes in a city, ask them if they’re on their way out for a day hike. If they have a peculiar sticker on their laptop, ask them what it means. If they’re wearing a Green Bay Packers ball cap and you grew up in a family that rooted for the Packers, then ask them how they think the team is doing this season. Notice them, notice what’s unique about them, notice what you might have in common with them. People like to be noticed.
And if you really can’t think of anything, people also like being appreciated. Find something you like and compliment it. Better yet, ask an interesting question about what significance it might hold for them.
Here’s another great story. A dear friend of mine was standing in line at a coffee shop (why is it always coffee shops - do you people realize that they are basically dating CENTERS?), and he struck up a conversation about what to order there. She mentioned that she really liked the baked goods because they were gluten free, but that she was just going to get the tea and save the treats for later. Soon after, he came up to her table, with a gluten free baked good in hand and a mischievous smile on his face, and said, “I know you said you were going to save this for later, but…” She says she blushed super hard and invited him to sit down - and they wound up on a date later that week.
Here’s the thing, friends: people like it when other people are interested in them. People especially like it when you manage to draw out conversation about something that matters to them; we love talking about the things we love. And if the energy you bring is TRULY super-basic, no-pressure, ultra-low-stakes, and they can feel your genuine warmth and curiosity, you’re likely to get a warm response in return even if they don’t wind up feeling interested in you in that way.
So just try something - anything. Open the gate. AND THEN SEE HOW THEY RESPOND. If they brighten up and return your warmth, well done, the gate is open. Now think of the next thing to say. But if they give you a perfunctory, polite response and then turn back to their phone - nope, sorry, the gate is closed. Alas, it means nothing, my friend - or at least, you’ll never know what that really meant so might as well dust it off and move on.
The bottom line is this: all you need to do is toss a thin line of connection across the chasm that usually separates people and see if they grab it and tug. A “YES” will be obvious. If it’s anything other than an obvious “YES,” then let it go. But genuine warmth, engagement, humor, curiosity and so on are usually just LOVELY to receive. And it’s such a welcome surprise these days when most people are walking around with that “don’t talk to me” bubble around them.
There’s one main caveat that does need to be addressed here, however… If you make an attempt to open the gate and you feel SUPER F****** NERVOUS AND INSECURE on the inside, the person you’re talking to is 100% going to notice and feel that, it’s going to create uncomfortable feelings in THEIR body (mirror neurons), and those feelings will compel them to pull away from you. This is an involuntary, biological reaction that they can’t control; and from a psychological perspective, it’s an example of how you can look to how others relate to you to learn a thing or two about how you are relating to yourself. They’re just mirroring you. So even if you DO approach with ultra-low-stakes, genuine warmth, and all the rest… if you’re all knotted up inside with insecurity, that’s probably not going to work either.
THE BEST WAY TO GET PAST THAT, HOWEVER, is to try - and fail - and try - and fail - and try - and fail - over and over again. That guy who picked me up in the cafe…? I later learned that he used to be excruciatingly shy, so he taught himself to be confident and engaging first by dressing up in a ridiculous outfit, standing at the bottom of an escalator in a public space, and asking every woman who came down if she wanted to get coffee with him. I think that not a single one of them said yes, but what he did was COMPLETELY DESENSITIZE himself to the vicissitudes of others’ responses to him. This is GENIUS because others’ responses mean NOTHING about you, ultimately. And the sooner you can get over your own reactivity to them, the sooner you can approach them with genuine calm and confidence.
HAPPY TALKING
