There is a deep assumption in our culture that to express things like anger, disgust, fear, aversion, irritation, etc. is to aggress, to shame, and to hurt.
And it’s true that we have a greater tendency to be unskillful when we’re communicating these feelings.
But here’s what’s also true: if these kinds of feelings are coming up and you’re not saying anything… you’re lying.
You’re pretending like it’s not there, pretending it’s okay when it’s not. It’s hard to be authentic, vulnerable, or even connected when you’re hiding stuff like this.
And, if you hold it in long enough for these feelings to build up in your body, getting you to the place where you’re REAL PISSED now… that part is actually your doing, your creation, your responsibility.
If this person/relationship matters to you, this is enough to erode the bond over time.
I spend so much of my time thinking about this because 1) it’s the source of so much pain and disconnection, 2) there actually are ways to express ANY emotion skillfully, and 3) when we do this, we turn what could have been a disaster into a beautiful opportunity for deepening into a more authentic, full-bodied intimacy.
One of the reasons we stop ourselves from communicating these things is that it just feels like we’re shaming them, hurting them, or projecting our stuff all over them. It all looks like aggression, but that’s because we don’t yet see the skillful alternative.
Here’s the thing: there is a good, understandable, and human reason behind EVERYTHING that you feel. Just because we say the reason is “good” doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re granting yourself permission to keep being that way indefinitely. But we are granting that it’s not random, it’s coming from an understandable source, and there is useful information contained inside of it.
For example, maybe the feeling is arising because you have a need or a deep value that isn't being seen or respected in the relationship.
You could make them bad and wrong, and use that to justify punishing them.
Or you could communicate in a way that helps them understand this need and value in a very specific and concrete way. Because if you can’t do that… how do you expect them to be able to?
(Something I hold myself to is that I’m not allowed to hang out in or react from my disappointment or frustration if I haven’t yet given the person the information they’d need to 1) understand what I need and value, and 2) how to implement those needs and values in the specific, concrete ways that actually work for me. Of course it’s their choice what they do with that information, but it is my responsibility to make sure they have it.)
Perhaps your difficult feelings are coming from something else, maybe it’s a certain sensitivity or wound from your past, and they just don't know that what they're doing right now is particularly painful for you.
You could default to self-defense and turn them into a perpetrator or an enemy, hoping that your prickly response makes it obvious what they’ve done wrong.
Or you could default to vulnerability and seek to give them the information they’d need in order to be more aware and considerate in the future.
Noticing the theme? Skillfulness is about understanding and being understood: understanding yourself, helping others understand you, and understanding others. What we’re trying to understand are the good, reasonable, human sources of all of our feelings. We’re assuming that they have a purpose that is good, if only we know how to listen.
Understanding OURSELVES is often the first stumbling block; we don’t understand our own feelings deeply enough. We need to find out:
1) What are we even responding to in the first place
2) What is the name of this actual feeling(s)
3) What is the information contained in the feeling (what it’s trying to tell us about ourselves, what it is alerting us to), and
4) What are the specific and concrete things we can ask for that would make this better for us?
Then we have to be able to share that information FROM INSIDE our own experience. The moment you start talking about them, their motivations, their intentions, their character… you’re back in the old way.
What we're ultiimately trying to do is to "switch places." I'm using my words to draw you into my world so that you can see through my eyes, hear through my ears, and feel through my heart. And then, I'll ask you to do the same so I can "switch" places with you too.
This can’t be about right and wrong; we’re in the land of feelings, not the land of facts. It’s like my world is strawberry ice cream and yours is chocolate: would there be any point in arguing that chocolate is the right flavor of ice cream, or that it’s better?
To communicate this vulnerable, deep understanding of yourself, even if it's hard to hear, is an act of great generosity.
And to lift up and out of your own perspective, endeavoring to understand another the way they understand themselves, this is an act of great selflessness.
